While it would be great if the nice moments lasted long in my house, there are just some things that I know would be difficult to keep.
By the time I left home for uni two weeks ago, I felt much more comfortable with my mum. Things were less awkward. But then over the years, there have been those kinds of moments where it seemed we were about to start having a relationship and then something happens and the good times seem to disappear entirely.
I knew at the back of my mind that something would probably set it off again soon; I just didn’t know what it would be this time.
The first week was fine. We spoke over the phone a couple of times, laughed about things and all that. By the end of the week, I told them I had to go to my best friend’s place (that has always been a touchy subject) and the snippy response didn’t surprise me.
It was all, “Do whatever you want! It’s not like we can stop you”, kind of reply. As a result of an unexpected situation, I had to stay for two more days. How it has always worked in my house is that I give my parents a detailed explanation of anything I’m doing outside the house. But I knew telling them that I wanted to stay for more days, was not going to go down well.
To keep things safer, I sent them a text instead of calling with the hope of diffusing the situation a little bit, but I guess that didn’t work too well.
I got two consecutive angry calls from my mum and my dad didn’t even reply. I had expected a bad reaction, but I didn’t imagine what happened. I was taken aback so much that all I could do was laugh (laughing in those situations is not exactly a good thing according to my counsellor). All the feelings that I thought had gone came rushing back.
I thought I was over the bitterness. I thought I had gotten used to the changing moods and the hauling of angry words at me. But I guess that was just in my thoughts. In that moment, all I could think of was how much I wanted nothing to do with my mum.
I didn’t call her when I got back to school, which I usually did before. I didn’t try to reconcile. I just wanted to be left alone. Not even her reporting me to my dad and my brother made any real difference.
At that point, if someone had given me the opportunity to get away from my family, I probably would have taken it; as long as I was far away…
Since I started my sessions with my counsellor again, I never really thought much of it. For me, it was just a repetition of the past; I go to my counsellor’s office, talk about my many issues and carry on with the day.
But my last session was different. I didn’t plan to talk to her for more than a few minutes, but I found myself still there even after an hour. It was very different from any session I had ever been to. Usually in the sessions, it was mainly me talking, while she just listening. But that wasn’t the case that day!
After I had talked about the recent issues that I had and some other things, she asked me a question which I had never gotten around to answering; even to myself. She said, “Do you think no one can love you?” That struck a chord!
Just below the surface, there’s always been that little voice whispering that to me, but I never gave it a voice until she mentioned it.
I realised just how true it was and how much it had affected my relationship with people. It was probably one of the reasons why I didn’t believe in romantic relationships. It just always felt like there was no reason for anyone to love me. Especially, since I believed that I couldn’t love anyone either!
Behind a locked door in my mind, has always been the little me that felt that no one would love her. Over the years, I have come to realise that God does love me. After all, He loves the whole world; even the worst of us. But I still struggle to bring myself to understand that any human could love me unconditionally. There just didn’t seem to be any reason why anyone would choose to.
After I had explained this to my counsellor, she said that it was mostly likely because my parents, the first people in my life that were supposed to love me, never did. It was like peeling the scab off a wound that was just starting to heal. But I knew I needed someone to put that into words.
While I know my parents don’t hate me, having their love restricted to physical things, makes it feel like it’s not there most of the time. She explained that it is natural for me to feel the way I do. After all, how could I give what I never had?
She went further to say that, while it is true that it would be difficult to overcome, she believes that I deserve to be loved and that I would be able to love someone when the time was right.
As I heard those words, I felt like a very heavy weight had been lifted from my chest. While I had been able to overcome a lot of things, I had never been able to fully come to understanding human love. I had never felt like I could completely be a part of it.
As I left her office that day, I told myself that this new understanding that I had found would never part from me, regardless of what comes up in the future.
generationlac 