These last two weeks have been very quiet; with me busy at uni, there hasn’t been much opportunity to talk to my parents. When we did talk, it was usually 1 to 2 minutes of conversation. I also haven’t attended any session with my counsellor, so my poor brain hasn’t been probed for a while.
I find myself really enjoying this time; I haven’t had to worry about my past or parents! But then again, I can’t help but question how long it’s going to last for.
I don’t know if it’s the talk I had at my recent session, where my counsellor was talking about the idea of someone loving me or me loving someone, but I had a strange weekend.
For the first time in over twenty years of my life, I actually met a guy that I was very curious about from the moment I laid eyes on him. It was like he was everywhere I looked or went. I don’t know if I was searching for him or if he just genuinely appeared everywhere.
I found myself doing things that I had previously made fun of my friends for doing. It was all happening so unexpectedly that I am unsure as to how to deal with it.
There’s a part of me that wants to discard it; just like I do every other thing that has to do with feelings. There’s also another part of me that wants to embrace this change as a new development in making me “a normal girl”.
While I know I most likely would never meet him again, I can’t help but think he could be the first step to me opening myself up to a relationship and the idea of love between two people.
I wonder which I would let win the battle – my head or my heart!
These last two weeks have been uneventful.
The only main highlight was my meeting with my counsellor two weeks ago. While it was a short meeting, it is the first meeting that I can remember going into with a smile and coming out of genuinely laughing. It felt like it was such a good conversation.
It was very short because I had a lecture to go to. The meeting was just me updating her with what had happened since our last meeting. I told her about my aforementioned weekend; explained the emotions that I had experienced and the struggles of deciding which to listen to – my head or my heart.
After listening to me, she was probably more excited about the whole event than I was. Apparently, I was making progress. Allowing myself to feel emotions that I had previously locked away will help me open up to people and improve the relationships I have with them.
Thinking about it all now, I’ve noticed that I’ve subconsciously started telling people how I truly feel, instead of keeping it locked inside. I realise that I am much different now than I was a year ago, and I can’t help but wonder what these changes mean for my future.
When things are going well for a while and I say I’m sure something will go very wrong in the near future, people think that it’s just my inner cynic speaking but experiences keep proving otherwise.
It has been very quiet recently; no major happenings, no disturbing moments – just getting by each day easily. I had gotten so comfortable that I hadn’t thought of anything coming up.
I found out recently that my mum’s health had taken a sudden dip, but I wasn’t told until over a week after it started. My parents didn’t want to alarm me as I was busy at uni. I guess because her health had been stable for months, we had all relaxed. No one saw it coming!
I didn’t want to panic; I knew that wouldn’t help anything. At the same time, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I felt like it would bring up some of the things I had buried, so I allowed myself to forget about it. I didn’t think of it until my previous session with my counsellor.
The conversation with her was the first time that I mentioned it to anyone. Talking about it made it feel like the burden I had carried got heavier and was starting to weigh me down even further.
The fact that the whole situation has to be kept between my parents and me, sans other family members, has always been hard for me to reckon with. There’s always that thought that if my siblings knew things would get easier somehow. I don’t know how it would happen or why, but I just always felt that way.
At times like this, I sometimes find myself questioning why God would let me go through this much. I try to console myself with the fact that there are people that have it worse than I do but still get by. I know God won’t put me through more than He knows I can handle.
Preparing for my coming exams, writing my dissertation and getting a job have all been helpful so far in keeping my thoughts straight. But then again, I can’t help but wonder how much longer they would hold me up… or is that just me being cynical again?
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